Woody Allen said sex was the most fun you could have without actually laughing, although personally I have a good giggle by fast forwarding porno movies. We’ve created a society where sex is all important - the pert breasts, the cut abs, the full lips.
Let me issue a warning for all those in their twenties who think their fabulous bodies will never change - they will. Butts drop, bellies poke out and breasts head south. And unlike the benefits of some shampoos, these things can literally happen overnight. Personally speaking, I was in a supermarket queue when my butt gave up the battle with gravity and suddenly dropped four centimetres.
Of course, these physical changes partly explain why it gets harder to get a bit of action as you get older. My last sexual experience was trying on some underwear that was several sizes too small, and the closest I get to humping these days is negotiating all those strips of raised bitumen the council put in my street.
Musical chairs and foreplay
Is there no love after the passion, vigour and good looks of our twenties? Yes, but the game changes. Relationships after 30 are a bit like a game of musical chairs – once the music stops, everyone just grabs whatever they can. And for those lucky enough to score a relationship, statistics reveal that the chances of snoring during sex triple after 30 years of age, and foreplay for 62% of couples consists of muttering ‘wanna do it?’
Hitch hiking bacteria and sex
One thing that doesn’t change with age is that bacteria and viruses love to hitchhike around the world for free, using the fact that we like rubbing our pink bits against each other. Harry Herpes jumps ship from a sex worker in Singapore to a sailor on shore leave, who passes it to a one night stand in Sydney, whose next boyfriend is exploring his sexuality so Harry thumbs a lift with not only the girlfriend, but with a few other blokes, and so on.
Sexually transmitted infections, or STIs, vary from the relatively harmless but painful cold sore, to heavy shit like being unable to have children or dying from cervical cancer. So the rosy picture of a life-long skin fest after the sexual liberation of the 1960s hasn’t been quite as consequence free as imagined. Still, as Austin Powers said, with sexual freedom comes responsibility, and it can be kind of groovy, baby.
The boring safe sex message
Let’s face it, safe sex is a boring message, especially when we’ve heard it over and over since those bizarre AIDS commercials started a few decades back. And the problem is that some of these infections are on the rise, precisely because we’ve become bored with the safe sex message and are getting slack. So get a free checkup from your nearest Sexual Health Clinic, use condoms, dental dams, plenty of lubrication, and be safe!
Yeah baby.
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