As a user of various illicit drugs, you will be only too familiar with the bad rap we get from society. The subtle wrinkled nose from some pharmacy staff as you pick up your methadone. The tears, rages or rejection by family. Demonisation by the media of all those dealers waiting outside the school gates. We are demons, the unpleasant faecal matter to be scraped off your shoes, evil parasites who should be shut away in prison.
The funny thing is I used to half believe it myself, and I reckon for many of us, that is part of the equation when our habit spirals out of control. I’m a piece of shit, so I’ll shoot up to escape this unpleasant self-image. Oh, I just shot up again, which has confirmed my identity as a small turd. I better shoot up again. And so on.
Spineless
I’m clean now and hopefully will stay that way. I’d love to be one of those lucky ones who could get their drug of choice under control and enjoy injected bliss! But not for me. After countless crashes following detox, I knew I had to stay off. Maybe I had no backbone, but at least there are fewer bones to break when I did crash. Ha.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, what worked best for me was Narcotics Anonymous. Even though I didn’t agree with their philosophy completely, it worked for me and that’s the main thing.
Back to the self-image thing! One thing that helped was reading the excellent user magazines around like Junk Mail and User’s News. It slowly dawned that despite what society keeps saying, we are human. We have human rights, like the right to respect and not being labelled as arseholes. That out-of-control habits mean we have a health issue happening, not a criminal one.
Facing the shit
However, I had to face a paradox. As I came to see myself as a reasonably good bloke again, Narcotics Anonymous (NA) was making me face some of the shit I’d done to people over the years, mainly when I’d really been hanging out. Loans from my sister I never paid back. Screaming abuse at her when she said no more loans. A few break and enters. Stealing some of the parent’s stuff and hocking it. Threatening to punch out staff at the chemist because of the way they looked at me. In my struggle to stay clean, I was trying to feel better about myself but having to face all this crap I’d done and I’d start the downward spiral again.
NA are pretty big on restitution, making things right. It all sounds preachy and hints at their christian-influenced beginnings, but it worked for me. Apologies to mum and dad, my sister. Even the chemist staff, which was hard because I know some of them did, and still think, I’m a shit. There was no way I was going to say anything to the people I’d done break and enters on, but once I got some part-time work I’d occasionally drop an envelope of money into the letterboxes of those I remembered. Not much but the symbolism was important, along with a note explaining why.
Kids and rectums
So I’m fighting what I like to call the arsehole factor. My theory goes like this. Kids might be cute, but they are totally ego, out to satisfy their own needs and desires. Growing up is mostly coming to the realisation there are other people in the world, and that our needs and desires need to be balanced with those of others. In fact, often the happiest people seem to be those who are more concerned about others’ well-being than their own.
For me at least, once my habit got out of control, I stopped growing up. Living for that rush, that velvet emotional highway, kept me in a child-like state of being totally absorbed with self-gratification. Result? Fuck everyone else! Being labelled pisses me off, but you have to admit the whole junkie stereotype, like all good myths, has elements of truth in some cases.
Keeping life in balance
I know this isn’t everyone’s story. I know guys who are using and stay in control. They are concerned about others and keep life in balance. Good on ya. I wish I could do that. But for everyone else, I humbly suggest it’s worth looking at yourself and seeing if you are slipping into the arsehole factor. I read all the user’s stories in these magazines, and you have to admit there’s a load of bitching about the system, families, the world in general (much of it justified too!), but very little about the shit we have caused others. This is just an observation, not a judgement. I can’t judge, having done this for years myself. Point is, when you are the centre of your universe, you get totally focussed on all the shit you are given, but blinded to the shit you give out.
What goes around...
It is just that a happier life seems to be one where you are less the centre of the universe. I don’t believe in god, but do think the universe operates under the ‘what goes around comes around’ philosophy. Living completely for yourself — whether it is a user obsessing over getting junk into the vein or an investment banker obsessing over money and status — will eventually make you an arsehole. None of these are evil things, you just need to balance them with other things that count — family, friends, lovers, health and society in general.
Choices for the injecting drug user
Ripping off mates? Not getting along with the family? Fucking over your partner? Not enjoying the havoc this creates in your life? The choice is yours. You can choose the arsehole factor if you want, if you are prepared for the bad karma that inevitably comes with it! You do have other choices. A range of detox options so you can choose one that suits you. You can then take a break to get a clear idea of what you want to do. If don’t wanna detox, there’s plenty of counselling around to help you reduce your use to a point where you can balance it with other important things in life.
If you aren’t prepared for the bad karma, do yourself a favour and get thy shit together. Find the right kind of support that will get you back in control, whether it’s going clean or using in a manageable way. After all, who wants to be an arsehole?
- bungo
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