My mate introduced me to Narcotics Anonymous, or NA, about seven years ago. He was a very intelligent and complex man who had battled with addiction for all his life.
We shared a flat together after we came out of detox many years ago. We had a lot of similarities, but he was always brighter, smarter and more plagued with self doubt and a brooding melancholy that never went away. He was best man at my wedding, and when I had the pre-wedding jitters he was there at 2 am listening to me and bolstering me up. He gave of himself selflessly.
I took to NA like a duck to water — I guess I was so far down that
I had no where else to go — but it’s not that easy for everyone.
Some people just can’t surrender to a higher power, can’t let
go, are always torn by doubt. He was one of life’s tortured souls,
but he always wanted and longed to be clean. And that’s what being
a member of NA is all about – wanting earnestly to be clean and working
towards it. Go figure, he introduced me to NA and I got all the anniversaries.
Over the years we lost touch, but I would see him periodically at meetings
and renew my aquaintance. There were periods where he was clean, and periods
I am sure he was using. It wasn’t my place to judge him, but we had
shared something special together, and I always felt like he had given me
life when no one else cared.
Lord it’s hard to be humble
I hadn’t seen him for years. I had moved away and we didn’t attend the same meetings anymore. I was involved in my life and was a pretty holier-than-thou toadie – I had succeeded (in my own mind) with my addiction problems, was married, had a car, mortgage, kids and I was smug and self assured. I kept going to NA but I thought of myself as the shining example for younger and less time-up members to admire. I had been clean for 12 years and I was fucking complacent. I no longer thought of myself as an addict.
Big mistake. Big fucking mistake. I injured myself at work — nothing terribly life threatening — but the doctor gave me pain meds. I told my group and my sponsor, and was at first very careful, the model of propriety and took my meds – late if anything, hours later than I needed to. Then one day I took two for absolutely no reason. That’s all it took. I was doctor shopping and back on the band wagon. I would go to meetings loaded and tell everyone how wonderful I was. I treated my wife and kids like crap and I lost my job.
Then I ran into my friend, and he looked at my pinned eyes and my thin
frame and he had that knowing look in his eyes, and he took me to our old
meeting just for old time’s sake. Here I was thinking I had them all
fooled, but the only fool was me. And I stood up in front of everyone and
told them I had thought I was cured, but I was worse than ever and could
they help me. Straight back to step one after 12 years, and I had done it
myself by forgetting who I was. I am an addict. I wept like a baby, my mate
took me to my doctors and we rang the DDU together and I booked into detox.
This time I went back to NA with humility and without my blinkers on. I
apologised to my fellow NA members for my contempt for them, for my dispicable
attitude and my bigotry and conceit. It took a long time to feel like I
was worthy of those fine folks, and through it all no one judged me, which
only made me more miserable. But this time I was determined to put my faith
in God and surrendered my will completely.
Change in attitude
The steps were much harder, I had taken the whole process for granted. I was truly humbled and humiliated. I renewed my commitment to NA and to God, and got on with my life, once again losing touch with my mate. Went back to work, reconciled with my wife and everything went back to business as usual as if I had never relapsed at all, except I now knew I was truly an addict and how fine a line I truly walked.
Then one day his wife called and told me my mate had died. Twice this man had saved my life and brought me to NA, and what had I ever done for him? How often had I given anything of myself to anyone ever? I took another long hard inventory and I wasn’t at all happy with who I was. My attitude hadn’t realistically changed much — it was all about me — and I’d missed the entire point of NA, to give it back. These days I truly try to be understanding, non-judgmental and to be as much help to others that I can, not only in NA, but in my life.
Two strikes not out
God and my Guardian Angel had given me two strikes, I wasn’t about to fail them after everything they had done. I can still go to work and support my family and fit into my schedule the time to pick someone up and take them to meetings, to sponsor new members and to be available 24 hours a day for my brothers, because I was now, after 20 years, ready to give it back.
It doesn’t happen easily – the self growth and such you go through need constant re-evaluation. There are always going to be opportunities to use, it takes as much effort and commitment to stay clean as it ever did to use. I still walk the fine line, still know how vulnerable I am, but I have something wonderful that I would share with you – that is NA and my brothers and sisters in the program who have made me who I am today.
Third chance at life
I don’t care if you come to meetings loaded, been there and worn that t-shirt. Just as long as you understand that there is hope and there is life after drugs, come back as many times as you want until you too are ready to try a life without junk. I am an addict and I am in recovery and I thank God and my good friend and guardian angel and NA and the wonderful people within it for giving me a third chance at life. It was far more than I deserve.
Last week we laid an eternity medal on my friend’s grave. I wept openly. He deserved so much more out of life. He died of AIDS. There but for the grace of God go I.
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