A few years back, I worked as a screw in both a sex offenders and maximum security prison. I felt like doing something interesting for a change, and it sure was different. Within a few days of starting, the whole place was shaken by a group of ambitious youngsters bashing the top dog to death with weights in the gym.
Not real pleasant, especially when they worked him over to make the pain last, concentrating on his joints. Chatted later with the guards who took him to hospital, and the poor bastard was screaming in the ambulance the whole way, then died a few days later in hospital.
Funny thing was my biggest problem was the other screws. A lot of them figured they had a special brand of courage, and figured us new screws probably didn’t. You tended to cop shit from a lot of them until you proved yourself in your first scrap. I’m a pretty peaceable guy, but eventually I found myself looking for a scrap to get involved in just to get them off my back.
The saga of Bert and Marco
Would you believe it, it happened on my last day before changing jobs. Prison movies give you this stereotype that at least half the screws must be aggressive psychopaths with a healthy inner Hitler, lording it over the crims. But we actually only had three like this in around 100 staff in maximum security, and you’d be hard put finding any screw like that in the lower security prisons.
But anyway, one of these wankers, let’s call him Bert, wants to pick a fight with an inmate, let’s call him Marco) who thought he was tough but just had a bit of a mouth on him; most of us found him funny or would just breach him [a disciplinary procedure] if he pissed us off enough. So Bert is trading insults with our Marco through the cell bars, so Marco challenges Bert to come into his cell alone if he’s so tough for a bit of a pasting. Bert opens up the cell and goes toe-to-toe with Marco, but only after carefully making sure we are right behind him. Big hero.
Bert starts pushing Marco in the chest, and Marco knows the moment he lifts a finger we all have to jump him – it’s just part of the procedure. Insults keep flying, and finally Marco gives Bert a small push in the chest so we have to restrain Marco. Thankfully Bert wasn’t a big enough shit head to lay into Marco when he was restrained (there was one fuckwit I saw do that, but only when there was no chance the poor crim could hit back coz there were ten of us on top of him).
Thankfully Marco didn’t cop any hits, but proved he was tough enough to stand up to Bert the fuckwit. Bert got his jollies and figured he was tough because he had three mates ensuring he wouldn’t get into trouble.
The worst thing was I’d finally got into a scrap, proved I wouldn’t run the other way, and I was IN! Slaps on the back, “good on ya mate, you did really well there”, and assorted types of bullshit. I was finally part of the ‘in’ crowd, yet felt nothing but shame coz all I did was provide backup for some dickhead’s need to get his rocks off in a four-on-one challenge.
Real fucking fair odds, Bert. Even more shaming was the fact I wouldn’t tell my fellow employees that. Then I’d be on the outside again, and far worse; there’d be total ostracism from almost every guard, insults, and possibly my tyres would get slashed in the car park because I’d become a ‘crim lover’. I guess my escape came the next day when I got my transfer to the sex offenders prison.
Getting on with screws
I have read a few stories in these user mags about the nasty screws, and they do exist. But a lot of these stories make out that every guard is out to get you. I reckon I was pretty objective, and I saw a lot of guards who actually treated inmates as human beings – they’d chat with them, help them out when it was within the rules. Then you had a fair number who couldn’t give a rat’s arse about inmates, but at least didn’t go out of their way to antagonise them. Then there was a very small minority in the job because it made them feel big. Even then, I must admit I never saw them hassling someone unless there was attitude.
It was similar with inmates. Most of them wanted to do their time quietly, and got on with us screws. Then you had the ones who’d like to give some lip and attitude, but short of getting into trouble.
Then you had a small number of blokes with anger management issues, mental health problems, or were just career crims aiming to be top dog so they’d look for fights to establish some cred. If you were in a medium or maximum security prison, a screw wasn’t going to be your best mate, but most of the time he’d treat you reasonably okay on the basis you treated him about the same. You didn’t need to bow and slime around, just keep any attitude to a minimum. And I apologise to those of you who met any real bastards who gave you a hard time for no reason, just because their weak little egos get fed by doing the dictator thing.
Of course if you get into low security, it’s usually a breeze. I used to teach the inmates some nice little blues riffs on the guitar, and I know on the prison farms you can often have a good game of poker with screws and crims around a table. Wish it was like that all the time...
Advice for first timers
If you are up on drug-related charges, talk with a solicitor about your options to avoiding prison. Prison just isn’t fun - it doesn’t reform you, it doesn’t even help you get clean because there’s usually plenty of stuff going around. The only blokes who like prison are the ones who get “institutionalised” - they have been in so often that they can’t cope with the hassles of life outside even on the dole. Knew one guy who wanted to smash an office window just to get back inside because he found organising his dole with Centrelink too stressful. It’s not much of a life when it comes to that.
Say you can’t get out of it and you do your time. Quite a few of us guards wanted to help out with the first timers, and I’ll pass on to you what we’d usually say to them. Lay low when you first get in. Keep quiet, just observe and take your time getting to know the routines, politics and who’s who. Don’t be real friendly but don’t snub anyone either. That friendly bloke might just be friendly, but he might be sizing you up for something else too.
Don’t get fooled by prison shows on tv. It’s really unlikely someone’s going to bend you over and pork you on the spot. The majority of guys do their time really quietly and get it out of the way. Usually it’s really unlikely you’ll be targeted for some boning by some standover merchant, but if it happens, think through your options. Is he backed by others? Is there someone else you can trust enough to ask about this dickhead or bunch of dickheads? Should you stand up to him or them? If not, you can go on protection, but you’re stuck in your cell most of the day, just let out for exercise, and who knows how long it will be before you get moved somewhere else.
Safe sex in prisons
It’s taking a long time to get condoms supplied in many prisons. Even if you are usually straight, you could indulge in some same-sex action eventually. Do what you can to avoid sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Try to do hand jobs instead of anal intercourse where possible. Learn the signs of STIs and check each other out, and remember the prison nurse can do checks for you as well.
I hope we see less people in prison and more getting counselling and support
in the future. But if you go inside, I hope this story helps you do your
time a bit easier.
- Anon
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