Being a user can really do your head in at most times, but guilt over things you’ve done can really make you feel lower than shark shit. The guilt trip can really hit during detox — revelations over what a selfish son of a bitch you may have been, driven by a freight train of craving that led you to knowingly break your own rules of conduct or morality.
Feeling guilt is actually a good thing, as it is a realisation your behaviour wasn’t the best — the fact that you don’t feel good about past decisions shows there is hope, and strength in your own character!
The tricky bit is not to let these feelings drive you deeper into hopeless
despair. Most of us have all been in that rut before — when our lives
don’t seem to be ours anymore, feeling as though we’ve lost
control, with no turning back, and no future ahead. That was me, at least
— a nasty afterburner after a binge. I’d think that there was
something wrong with me. I was weak, gutless, useless.
Eventually I realised I used and wanted to get off my guts all the time,
simply to avoid facing my own demons. At first, it was just partying and
going with the flow. But I knew when I’d crossed the line. In fact,
I revelled in crossing the line!
But reality bites you on the arse in the end, whether it is through being locked up, fired from your job, estranged from your family or dissed by your friends. Suddenly you are on your own and it is because of the decisions you’ve made for yourself.
For me, there was no problem until I crashed. Then it became a problem for everyone around me — especially my parents and friends. I’d become defensive, angry, laying blame somewhere else and just generally being uncomfortable. I knew deep down inside that I felt extremely guilty about the shit I wound up in, and what I’d become — trapped in addiction. But that didn’t mean I was this bad person — I just couldn’t see who I was, feel who I was, or trust who I was.
Here’s an example of how I’ve pissed myself off in the past. I’d been clean for a month and it was payday. I went into town to do some shopping and I’d heard through a friend that such and such was holding blah blah. Now I got to this intersection on the road — left was the supermarket shops and right was such and such. I started to think, “Mate, you’re not going to see such and such as you’ve done so well, pats on the back all round for your good work”.
Well, it was as if my feet had a mind of their own, walking me right, me thinking to myself, “You weak bastard”, over and over all the way to the spoon. Look, we all (sorry, “I”) bust every now and again. Don’t panic. Don’t guilt yourself about it too much, it’s just not worth it. I did for years and the laugh is I spent the money just to feel like shit afterwards.
Guilt has a nasty way of making you think detox isn’t worth trying. Wrong!! It’s amazing how your mind can play shitty little tricks on you. What about all the other times when you detoxed and felt strength from your own achievement, getting over the painful hurdle of dependency? Of course, if you are on a program, there is always help and advice, but you know how sometimes you can get the best advice and you know inside it’s all great, but you just can’t feel it.Then you go out against this advice knowingly doing the opposite. Really does your head in – it did mine in for a longer time than I care to remember.
You are good, you don’t want to hurt anybody, it’s only ... you hurt yourself and the rest is just the flow-on effect. Being able to share your own inner feelings is hard – for me, as a bloke, it took years. At first, it just creeped me out. Even going to NA for example (not knocking!), but hearing about other people’s despair or their successes and just generally talking about drug dependency made me want a shot even more. Sorta like denial, I suppose.
You really have to prepare yourself for facing up to things. It took me a while anyway. And not feeling bad about everything, and guilty or angry. It is, or it just was. Time to move on and be yourself again. Look, I’m just sharing my thoughts and I hope that something here might ring true for someone out there. We’re all good, we’ve all done stuff but hey, that’s life! Love to youse all.
- P.W.
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