When it comes to inconsiderate house guests, like anybody, I have had a few. In terms of being consistently annoying though, it would have to be the police who win hands down.That this is so disproves a favourite theory of my mother’s – that neat dressing is an indication of good manners.
For a start, their sense of timing can be atrocious. The other day, I was sitting quitetly at home mixing up an after-work taste, when suddenly the front door swung off its hinges and in stormed three policemen. There were waving a piece of paper that they said was an invitation, when I knew I hadn’t sent out any invites on account of only having enough drugs for one person.
It put me in an awful position. If I had put the needle into my arm before they reached the living room, I knew I would feel so rude for not being able to offer them anything. If I didn’t do it, I felt certain that they would probably demand my drugs and not even share them with me. I’m sorry, call me rude, but I took the first option.
Well, the way they reacted you would have thought I had burst into their house and taken the last of their drugs. I offered them a seat but instead they asked me to stand, and demanded that I produce more drugs. I explained that I didn’t have any left, but for some reason they wouldn’t believe me. Now, when my friends ask me if I have any drugs left and I say “no”, they will accept that there are none available and the topic of conversation will move on to something else.
The boys in blue however, could not take no for an answer. I mean I have had friends who never talked about anything but drugs, but that was because all they did was take drugs. That sort I can understand; it is boring, but understandable. But when people don’t take drugs, visit you in a frenzied manner, and then want to talk about nothing but drugs, well personally I find it a bit much.
Either they had atrocious hearing or bad short-term memories, for they kept asking me the same questions over and over. Given their extreme state of disappointment, I thought it best not to tell them that it was heroin I had just taken. It made me wonder: does the police force choose people with bad manners, or do they just train them to be like that?
If that wasn’t enough, they then said they were going to go through my house with a fine tooth comb, and began to dismantle everything. At this stage, I found it a real struggle to remain polite. Once they had completely destroyed my house, finding of course no drugs (I”d told them there were none left), they left. No thank you for having them over, no invitation to visit them, I was quite shocked.
After putting my house back together, I gave the whole event some thought and concluded that there needs to be some serious changes made to police training:
A They need to be taught it is rude to visit people they don’t know
without an invitation.
B If they persist in this, they should always bring their own drugs.
C They should stop asking the same questions over and over – in fact,
they should have training in conversations, or they will have no friends
.
D If they pick something up, they should put it back in the same place,
and if they break something, they should fix it or at least offer to pay
to have it fixed.
E Given their one track minds on drugs, I think their reading list should
be broadened. As a last resort if they only want to read about drugs, they
should be given Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas or this website
to read.
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